When Alberto Contador, winner of the 2010 Tour de France, was found guilty of doping it meant that between 1995 and 2010 only two Tour winners hadn’t been caught up in a doping scandal. Not a great stat. But what makes the story even better is Contador’s dumb excuse for testing positive: it was due to the steaks he’d eaten while he was on the ’10 Tour; they were tainted with a weight-loss and muscle-building drug called clenbuterol. It’s an awful excuse, but is it any worse than these athletes’ explanations for why they tested positive for PEDs:
*Larissa Lazutina “It was my uterus!”
*Russian cross-country skier Lazutina had her gold medal taken away after the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics after testing positive for high levels of erythropoietin (EPO), a hormone that controls red blood cell production. How could this have possibly happened? It was “female physiology,” she said. Which is what I’m guessing is another way of saying that she was a living, breathing female who took a banned substance.
Next: Tainted Booze
Floyd Landis: “It was the booze!”
*The former winner of the ’06 Tour de France, Landis’s urine showed unusually high levels of testosterone after a July 27 test, something he variously attributed to: his natural manliness, a heavy night of drinking, and his thyroid medication. Just weeks after winning a remarkable victory — it was the first Tour after Lance Armstrong temporarily retired — Landis was banished to Amish country forever.
*Lennox Paul: “It was the spaghetti!”
*British bobsledder Lenny Paul tested positive for nandrolone, an anabolic steroid found in very small quantities in the human body; it’s used to treat osteoporosis in postmenopausal women. How’d it get into his system? It was in spaghetti sauce he’d eaten. Uh, why didn’t someone tell him he didn’t need to take steroids to be good at bobsledding?
Next: Club Drugs
*Jan Ullrich: “It was the club drugs!”
*Ullrich took home top honors at the German 1997 Tour … and then he tested positive for amphetamines in 2002. He blamed the test on “two little pills” he’d taken at a club the night before his test, which is pretty much like saying, “I’m innocent because I thought I was taking Ecstasy!”
Next: The HGH
*Manny Ramirez: “It was … well, it actually was the drugs.”
*When Ramirez tested positive for HCG, Overtrained Athlete Syndrome hadn’t yet been diagnosed, so Manny claimed that his doctor mistakenly prescribed him a drug normally used to increase female fertility.
Next: The Lotion
*Lance Armstrong: “It was the lotion!”
*You didn’t think we’d forget Lance, did you? Armstrong claimed that the steroid cortisone found in his blood was due to a lotion he rubbed on his back. After some charges against Armstrong were dropped, others surfaced. And after years of denial he admitted to doping in a 2013 interview with ESPN, er, Oprah.
See the complete list vai ModernMan.com: The Dumbest Excuses For Doping In Sports